So I’m NOT a psychic – how depressing is that? I want at least one mutant power. Mind you, I think I’d prefer telekinesis to telepathy, but I wouldn’t turn it down…

Anyway, this is what’s known as a cognitive distortion – exaggerated or irrational thoughts perpetuated by some psychological disorders, including depression and chronic anxiety. It’s when you spend your time “making up” what others are thinking about you in their own heads, with no evidence, no proof, that they’re thinking anything of the sort.

It’s seriously damaging and debilitating for a number of reasons – for one, it’s hard enough juggling your own thoughts, but juggling everyone’s in a room? That’s a recipe for disaster (see also fatigue o_O).

For another, it’s totally meaningless. We spend our time judging ourselves in the voices and thoughts of others, which prevents us fully being who we want to be, and it unfairly lays the responsibility for that at the feet others, most of whom are unlikely to be thinking anything like the thoughts we ascribe to them.

So yes, The Great Mentalist is rather shit. Sorry about that…

In other news, I had my first check up appointment at the Doc’s yesterday, which was a kind of strange one this time round. Not much to report, not much change, so it’s a holding pattern and more pills until I start CBT therapy on 6th August…

So Citalopram makes you yawn. I mean really yawn. I mean really yawn

It’s crazy – no matter how active or inactive I am, I get these really weird bouts of yawning that almost dislocate my jaw. I’ve noticed that when I’m going out, or about to do something stressful, it gets worse, so I’m not sure if it’s a direct reaction to the increased levels of serotonin or what, but they seem linked.

I’ve also noticed though that I’m experiencing what I can only describe as severe fatigue. I decided to do a little research on this, and it’s noted online that anxiety and depression can cause real exhaustion and fatigue. I tangented to this link:, which is a cool little psychomotor vigilance test. People with enough sleep and rest should score about 220. People who are very tired take 300 milliseconds. My average is about 356. And this is after an afternoon nap.

So obviously that’s something that’s getting added to the long list of “weird things about me” that I’ll be discussing with the doctor when I go back on Thursday…

Okay, okay, so today’s post is a bit mawkish, but y’all have got to know this – if it wasn’t for me being in a relationship with Mitch, I’m not sure I’d be getting help right now for my anxiety.

He’s a pretty quiet and unassuming guy in public, so you may not know this, but he’s one of the most wickedly funny people I’ve ever met, and he’s also one of the most laid back and cool. He doesn’t put any expectations on me, which is a refreshing change, and it’s because we’ve got such a relaxed and groovy partnership that I feel I’ve got enough support to really try and deal with my issues.

He’s also a writer and artist in his own right: his main concern is video game design, but he’s also dabbling in comic book scripting and has taken part in Nanowrimo and Script Frenzy, as well as the Scottish Game Jam. He’s currently working on his first indie game, “Apartmental”, which is going to be awesome. He hopes to have some concept pieces for it up soon. Have a look at his blog and feel free to say “Hai Mitsh!”

(…and yes, thank you for noticing – I do have very long arms in this episode!)

First post of the week is a little different, but normal service will resume soon!

Just got my first appointment to see the head shrink – it’s on 6th August, so I’ll be on the meds right through then. Meanwhile, I’m hoping that I start to see some positive changes – I’ve gone from outright anxiety to complete demotivation over the last week. I planned to get lots of work done, then didn’t, then felt guilty, then got even more demotivated :O

So today, I’m going to take it one thing at a time, and try not to be too hard on myself.

Anyway, this post is like my little list of hopes and dreams, but acknowledging that all that can’t just come from a pill…

The answer to that was: yes, I am 🙂

It’s always intrigued me how bullies seem to have been taught at a young age to spot gay kids before they even know it themselves… Whatever training they get for that could probably be put to much better use; like, say, helping to identify young gay kids who might need extra support to deal with bullying pricks…

Anyway, this post was inspired by Stonewall’s findings that 99% of kids in school hear homophobic language, and almost a quarter of gay kids have tried to take their own life. As someone who used to volunteer for the Samaritans, I know first hand how damaging that can be and, if I’m being honest, I’ve experienced suicidal feelings myself, as a teenager.

The worst part of this story for me is that a quarter of young gay people, and a third in faith schools, reported that teachers don’t challenge homophobic language.

I’ve had this argument with people in the past – some folk talk about political correctness and the ‘PC’ brigade, but ultimately you don’t know who’s hearing your words, and what they’re going through. Every time a young gay person hears the word ‘gay’ used disparagingly, it crushes them, and makes them feel like it’s going to be ever harder to integrate and enjoy the same life as their peers. So if you hear it, please ask folk to stop it…

Here’s the link to the article: