My first SSRI for aaages. Like it says, I’ve just finished 20 weeks of therapy at Strathclyde, for social anxiety, but dealing with broader issues too. And it’s been a real uphill journey – each time I’ve thought I was getting somewhere, along would come some family issue or another to throw a spanner in the works.
But generally, my anxiety’s improved. The only thing is that right at the end of the course, I realised that underneath it all, I have bad depression. I’ve had it pretty much unbroken since I was 14, but I think in my mid-20s I found a way to just ignore it, and pretend it wasn’t an issue. But it is an issue – it leaves me without motivation, willpower, and makes small problems seem big, it encourages prevarication, and when it’s at its worst, I basically become comatose and can’t really do anything.
But all that said, I’m glad I know. I think the anxiety is the sort of outward manifestation of it – it’s the part of me that gets nervous that people will know underneath that I’m depressed. The part of me that is depressed, and wants to stay at home, screaming inside my head that the world is a bad, fearful place. It’s all inextricably linked. And now that the screaming has died down, I’ve had an opportunity to look this place inside me head on, and recognised it as something I’ve had for twenty (TWENTY!) years, and never dealt with…
I hope this one says all it needs to!
Yeah, so dreams don’t really offer much relief… I sometimes think if I could have less worrisome dreams, I’d be less anxious during the day… But that’s not much help. Dreams are pure weird.
Still playing with panel structures, so here’s a wee 4 panel strip. Which is a strange format to use for such a subtle and dense allusion…
We’re obviously talking libido here, which is something that SSRIs are known to affect. The funny thing is, when I started on the anti-Ds, my libido shot through the roof, so I was like, wey-hey! But then it kind of went again… Now it sort of comes and goes…
It’s the kind of thing that gets talked about even less, but anxiety and depression can have a terrible effect on sex drive. Libido is such a basic force that when affected can have a spiralling impact on mental health.
However, I live in hope that sorting my head out in general will have a positive result on these other areas of my life too 🙂
A little late with this one today, but it’s here!
I think this one kind of speaks for itself, but I should note for anyone who doesn’t know this that this is basically the root of depression. A spiral into hell of our own thoughts, a mind filled with traps and barbs to snare you just when you least expect it.
I was basically knocked out cold yesterday by this – slept most of the day, was like a complete zombi, drained of all energy and creativity, and it’s because somewhere inside my head, on the “astral plane”, I was fighting the Shadow King (for all you X-Men fans out there…). It’s really exhausting, even when you’re not sure it’s happening, but as soon as you recognise it, it’s just this slurry of negativity. Words like “fake” and “fraud” and “selfish” running around as you argue with yourself.
From a Freudian perspective, it’s like ego taking control and battling itself. It’s pure the abyss, so it is.
So Citalopram makes you yawn. I mean really yawn. I mean really yawn…
It’s crazy – no matter how active or inactive I am, I get these really weird bouts of yawning that almost dislocate my jaw. I’ve noticed that when I’m going out, or about to do something stressful, it gets worse, so I’m not sure if it’s a direct reaction to the increased levels of serotonin or what, but they seem linked.
I’ve also noticed though that I’m experiencing what I can only describe as severe fatigue. I decided to do a little research on this, and it’s noted online that anxiety and depression can cause real exhaustion and fatigue. I tangented to this link: http://www.wellcomecollection.org/tiredness/index.html, which is a cool little psychomotor vigilance test. People with enough sleep and rest should score about 220. People who are very tired take 300 milliseconds. My average is about 356. And this is after an afternoon nap.
So obviously that’s something that’s getting added to the long list of “weird things about me” that I’ll be discussing with the doctor when I go back on Thursday…